It's been a while since I've felt like writing in this very personal mode. I've been focusing on my photography blog and education blog. But it seems like the time is right to start again.
It has been a year now since Keith got out of surgery -- and that year has had some very anxious moments. Each time there is a scan there is worry attached. We have had some big arguments regarding his eating at times. I just want to smack him "upside the head" when he says things like he'd rather die than spend the rest of his life eating soup. I know what he really means -- that he wants to live a normal life. I understand that. But so does everyone. But were not talking about a vegetative existence here. We're talking about eating certain foods. I know Keith has always been a meat and potatoes kind of guy (especially when the meat is a big steak). So now he can still be a meat and potatoes kind of guy, only with hamburger. And I make great soups too, by the way.
Altering life-long habits are really difficult -- but missing out on some of these small enjoyments are not worth dying for. If eating soup is what is required in order to hold your new granddaughter Emily when she is born in January, then I say "waiter, soup please!"
Life is worth living until the very last moment possible. To hold a child, share a thought, listen to music, watch a good movie, write an idea down, talk in the early morning hours, watch a sunset, and a million other moments. All these things are what life is all about.
Keith has worked hard to overcome cancer -- now it is time to overcome the need to be "normal." For what is normal anyway? Human beings survive and thrive in spite of great physical and personal obstacles. Cancer is only one of them. It is time to look at what we have, rather than what we don't have. Keith -- you can see, hear, feel, smell, and taste. The five great gifts from God. You have a family that loves you. You have friends who care about you. You have the respect of your colleagues. You are able to work and play. You have a home. You have a life that is meaningful. You have helped others in this life. You have experienced great joy and great sorrow -- and will continue to do so. Your life is a part of many other lives. We have a lot to look forward to in the future -- our family is still growing and changing. We have more young men to add to our "sons," and we have more grandchildren to enjoy. We have new siblings to build relationships with. We have aging aunts and uncles to cherish. Our own parents are gone now, and that means that our family now relies on us to take up their mantle of love and support.
So I say, "soup please!" It's a small price to pay for the joy that this life brings.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Anniversary of sorts
It's been almost a year since Keith's surgery and it seems like a dream rather than reality. Keith has been forced to face unbearable feelings, and has done it with grace and dignity. Fear has been a constant companion -- sometimes a deep fear, at other times an unease that hovers over every daily activity.
The difficulty in getting his stomach to operate correctly has been challenging. It is very difficult to change a lifetime of eating habits. What was once a comforting and enjoyable part of life (enjoying a meal) has now often become a time of discomfort and nervousness.
The recent CT scan has brought back to light the fear that we try to push into the background. Will it come back? That is the question lurking in the darkness.
I say NO. It won't come back. Keith has done this well because there is a purpose to his life and our lives together as a couple. He has much left to do in this world. Soon-to-be-born Emily needs her grandpa to help her grow up. All of the grandchildren and children need Keith to be a part of their lives -- he is the glue that cements the family together. He is the "push over" who always gives in because he loves them.
Cancer will not take the man I love -- he is strong and determined. A Cancervivor if ever there was one.
The difficulty in getting his stomach to operate correctly has been challenging. It is very difficult to change a lifetime of eating habits. What was once a comforting and enjoyable part of life (enjoying a meal) has now often become a time of discomfort and nervousness.
The recent CT scan has brought back to light the fear that we try to push into the background. Will it come back? That is the question lurking in the darkness.
I say NO. It won't come back. Keith has done this well because there is a purpose to his life and our lives together as a couple. He has much left to do in this world. Soon-to-be-born Emily needs her grandpa to help her grow up. All of the grandchildren and children need Keith to be a part of their lives -- he is the glue that cements the family together. He is the "push over" who always gives in because he loves them.
Cancer will not take the man I love -- he is strong and determined. A Cancervivor if ever there was one.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Back again
It's been a long time since I've written on this blog, but I thought I'd give it a try again.
Keith and I just returned from our Southern California/Vegas vacation. We spent a lot of time with his new family and it was a very worthwhile experience. We visited the beaches, went to family get-togethers, had fun at Universal Studios and Magic Mountain, enjoyed a night at the Magic Castle, walked in the shoes of stars in Hollywood, lost money in Las Vegas, played games at Dave and Buster's, watched surfers from the pier and lots more. Boy, am I tired.
Each day has become a blessing, not that it stops us from arguing about driving too fast, or feeling weary about bills and housework. But, we do share a closer connection this year -- aware of the close call we've had with Keith's cancer. However, there are many times when I yearn for more quiet time -- more peace so that we can reflect on our life together and enjoy our time without feeling so much pressure to do things.
California has its beauty -- the ocean with mountains that drape down to the beaches, the houses balanced along the sides of cliffs, the roses blooming along the roadways. But I missed the green we take for granted here. The desert holds little interest for me -- with the possible exception of when we drove through a dust devil (mini dust tornado), that was pretty cool. There are few trees that have not been planted by someone. The skies are rarely clear as a hazy smog envelopes the valley and the surrounding hills. The ground is dry and brown, dotted with dusty shrubs. The houses spread across the landscape like a virus -- there is seemingly no end until you reach an area such as Death Valley. The traffic is everywhere -- gridlock a daily part of life -- highways that stretch ten or more lanes, and yet it still seems to take forever to get anywhere.
I hope we don't fall into the same pattern here. What a shame that would be. It seems that we are on our way to falling into that same trap here in Central Florida -- with the endless building of condos and houses and timeshares with little regard for how we will impact our quality of life down the line. Life becomes as dry as the landscape when we strip the natural world from our lives.
I'm going to the country for a few weeks in Maryland to visit with my oldest daughter and her family. I think I will take some time while there to walk in the woods, splash in a cold running stream, pick some wildflowers, and enjoy some quiet time with a book. And, of course, play with my wonderful grandchildren. As much as I love a great roller coaster, or a magic act or a casino -- I crave that quiet reflection time.
Keith and I developed some wonderful family relationships in Southern California. Along the way I think we also developed a greater appreciation for our home here -- with it's huge oak trees and crazy vines, with it's summer thunderstorms and warm ocean water. Even I-4 doesn't seem so bad anymore. Hard to believe.
Keith and I just returned from our Southern California/Vegas vacation. We spent a lot of time with his new family and it was a very worthwhile experience. We visited the beaches, went to family get-togethers, had fun at Universal Studios and Magic Mountain, enjoyed a night at the Magic Castle, walked in the shoes of stars in Hollywood, lost money in Las Vegas, played games at Dave and Buster's, watched surfers from the pier and lots more. Boy, am I tired.
Each day has become a blessing, not that it stops us from arguing about driving too fast, or feeling weary about bills and housework. But, we do share a closer connection this year -- aware of the close call we've had with Keith's cancer. However, there are many times when I yearn for more quiet time -- more peace so that we can reflect on our life together and enjoy our time without feeling so much pressure to do things.
California has its beauty -- the ocean with mountains that drape down to the beaches, the houses balanced along the sides of cliffs, the roses blooming along the roadways. But I missed the green we take for granted here. The desert holds little interest for me -- with the possible exception of when we drove through a dust devil (mini dust tornado), that was pretty cool. There are few trees that have not been planted by someone. The skies are rarely clear as a hazy smog envelopes the valley and the surrounding hills. The ground is dry and brown, dotted with dusty shrubs. The houses spread across the landscape like a virus -- there is seemingly no end until you reach an area such as Death Valley. The traffic is everywhere -- gridlock a daily part of life -- highways that stretch ten or more lanes, and yet it still seems to take forever to get anywhere.
I hope we don't fall into the same pattern here. What a shame that would be. It seems that we are on our way to falling into that same trap here in Central Florida -- with the endless building of condos and houses and timeshares with little regard for how we will impact our quality of life down the line. Life becomes as dry as the landscape when we strip the natural world from our lives.
I'm going to the country for a few weeks in Maryland to visit with my oldest daughter and her family. I think I will take some time while there to walk in the woods, splash in a cold running stream, pick some wildflowers, and enjoy some quiet time with a book. And, of course, play with my wonderful grandchildren. As much as I love a great roller coaster, or a magic act or a casino -- I crave that quiet reflection time.
Keith and I developed some wonderful family relationships in Southern California. Along the way I think we also developed a greater appreciation for our home here -- with it's huge oak trees and crazy vines, with it's summer thunderstorms and warm ocean water. Even I-4 doesn't seem so bad anymore. Hard to believe.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Waiting to come home
Today is the day Keith might get to come home from the hospital. He seems to be able to eat without trouble and I bet he's looking forward to something other than hospital food. If I were Keith I would never eat Jello again.
So we wait for the afternoon and I pick out going home clothes and think of how lucky we have been so far that this difficult operation has gone so smoothly.
Today is my Thanksgiving. I send my thanks to Dr. Boyer, Dr. Z., Dr. Diamond, Dr. Grobler and all the wonderful nurses and staff at Florida Hospital and the Cancer Center. Also thanks to Brenda for her outstanding work keeping everything moving along successfully.
God bless you all for your expertise and kindness.
So we wait for the afternoon and I pick out going home clothes and think of how lucky we have been so far that this difficult operation has gone so smoothly.
Today is my Thanksgiving. I send my thanks to Dr. Boyer, Dr. Z., Dr. Diamond, Dr. Grobler and all the wonderful nurses and staff at Florida Hospital and the Cancer Center. Also thanks to Brenda for her outstanding work keeping everything moving along successfully.
God bless you all for your expertise and kindness.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Together, forever
Well, I'm going to try to continue blogging this month even with a cast on my right arm.
Keith is a little bit discouraged by his uncooperative tummy, but hopeful that with Dr. Boyer's return Thursday things will move forward.
Today, we played backgammon and I actually won (that's new) usually I only beat Keith when we play chess. We read the news, talked to the nurses and watched some TV. I even borrowed his hospital bed while he worked on his computer from the easy chair. It was almost like home.
I really miss him around the house but am thankful I have my daughter Kim around for company and help.
One of the hardest things has been the aloneness of this process. We have been together for such a long time that it just seems all wrong to be apart. I miss those quiet moments in the wee hours of the morning, snuggled in with piles of pillows, holding hands under the covers and just talking about everyday things.
Love deepens as the years roll by, it changes from a blaze to a steady fire that warms the heart and soul. It lights our way through times of trouble. My love for Keith has unexpectedly become the kind that really seems to be everlasting. I feel strongly that even death will not part us -- and most certainly, we will not allow the fear of death to do so. We have shared our deepest fears and greatest joys. Our marriage has grown stronger and will continue to do so, because we have learned that love is based on forgiveness and sharing and steady commitment to each other. Cancer is an obstacle to overcome, not a barrier to our love for each other. No matter what the outcome, our love for each other and for our family will endure. Keith will return to us healthy and whole with the help of his doctors and nurses and through his own strength of will. And I will be beside him all the way.
Keith is a little bit discouraged by his uncooperative tummy, but hopeful that with Dr. Boyer's return Thursday things will move forward.
Today, we played backgammon and I actually won (that's new) usually I only beat Keith when we play chess. We read the news, talked to the nurses and watched some TV. I even borrowed his hospital bed while he worked on his computer from the easy chair. It was almost like home.
I really miss him around the house but am thankful I have my daughter Kim around for company and help.
One of the hardest things has been the aloneness of this process. We have been together for such a long time that it just seems all wrong to be apart. I miss those quiet moments in the wee hours of the morning, snuggled in with piles of pillows, holding hands under the covers and just talking about everyday things.
Love deepens as the years roll by, it changes from a blaze to a steady fire that warms the heart and soul. It lights our way through times of trouble. My love for Keith has unexpectedly become the kind that really seems to be everlasting. I feel strongly that even death will not part us -- and most certainly, we will not allow the fear of death to do so. We have shared our deepest fears and greatest joys. Our marriage has grown stronger and will continue to do so, because we have learned that love is based on forgiveness and sharing and steady commitment to each other. Cancer is an obstacle to overcome, not a barrier to our love for each other. No matter what the outcome, our love for each other and for our family will endure. Keith will return to us healthy and whole with the help of his doctors and nurses and through his own strength of will. And I will be beside him all the way.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Blessings from heaven
Hi to all.
Well, true to the way this year has been going I was getting ready to go to the bat mitzvah early Saturday and had the dog run under my legs and knocked me down face first onto the kitchen floor. After a trip to the ER I found myself in a cast with a broken right wrist! plus bruised ribs etc.
So I am typing this very slowly with my left hand and wondering what the heck will happen next.
My sister said trouble is a blessing from God. I say, couldn't he bless someone else for awhile?
Well, true to the way this year has been going I was getting ready to go to the bat mitzvah early Saturday and had the dog run under my legs and knocked me down face first onto the kitchen floor. After a trip to the ER I found myself in a cast with a broken right wrist! plus bruised ribs etc.
So I am typing this very slowly with my left hand and wondering what the heck will happen next.
My sister said trouble is a blessing from God. I say, couldn't he bless someone else for awhile?
Friday, December 28, 2007
Visitors welcome
Just wanted to let everyone know that visitors are definitely welcome.
Keith is still not quite ready to come home, which is good, because no one will be at home this weekend -- the "kids" and I are attending Keith's cousin's bat mitvah in Tampa (a two-day affair) and he will be all alone. That was a pathetic attempt at sympathy guys! So, come on down to Florida Hospital if you get a chance and visit Keith for a bit.
Keith is in Room 3305 in the main Florida Hospital near Orange Ave. -- if you park in the Medical Plaza lot (they charge up to $4 for parking, but it's less if you are there for a short time) go to the 3rd floor and take the walkway to the hospital, which will then take you down a long escalator. Once you get to the hallway at the bottom go straight ahead and follow the signs for the B elevators, then go to the third floor and he's just down the hall.
You can also valet park for $5 at the entrance to the actual hospital. Or, do what I often do, find free street parking next to the parking lot and walk into the side entrance to the garage where the physicians park and take the elevator up to the 3rd floor and follow the directions above.
Keith is still not quite ready to come home, which is good, because no one will be at home this weekend -- the "kids" and I are attending Keith's cousin's bat mitvah in Tampa (a two-day affair) and he will be all alone. That was a pathetic attempt at sympathy guys! So, come on down to Florida Hospital if you get a chance and visit Keith for a bit.
Keith is in Room 3305 in the main Florida Hospital near Orange Ave. -- if you park in the Medical Plaza lot (they charge up to $4 for parking, but it's less if you are there for a short time) go to the 3rd floor and take the walkway to the hospital, which will then take you down a long escalator. Once you get to the hallway at the bottom go straight ahead and follow the signs for the B elevators, then go to the third floor and he's just down the hall.
You can also valet park for $5 at the entrance to the actual hospital. Or, do what I often do, find free street parking next to the parking lot and walk into the side entrance to the garage where the physicians park and take the elevator up to the 3rd floor and follow the directions above.
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